Back to anxious

I am back to being anxious and unable to keep my head off the mom situation. Has anything changed? Not really. She is still in the hospital. No rehab facility will take her due to the risk of her breathing episodes. Even though she goes weeks without one and may even stop having them now that they are changing her dialysis schedule. I guess the anxiety comes down to a few things.

1)Mom is down. She says she doesn't see any progress and just wants to be home. She has made progress...in the last 2 weeks alone she has improved in the following
Able to sit in the chair for 3+ hours up from 15 min. And this is without dizzyness or pain
Able to sit on the edge of the bed with minimal support for 17 min.
Arm strength way up
Able to move her left leg.
Eating her meals on her own, we don't have to feed her. And she eats it all!
2)Last week the Dr asked dad if mom was a DNR. Now this conversation should have happened months ago admittedly, but the timing stinks. Just when the light at the end of the tunnel goes out a little bit more they hit you with this making you feel like there is no light at all. Dad had a good plan he gave to the Dr...now he tells me he is changing his mind, but he won't tell me what it is until I go up there this weekend. So I don't know if it is more agressive or if he is getting down and telling them to be less agressive. I am guessing it is less agressive. Which I don't agree with. But he said he won't tell the Dr it until he gets to talk to me, so hopefully I can talk him out of it.
3)Monday mom and dad had a meeting with a dr who is really a consultant of sorts. Mostly with people though who are towards the end of their lives. To help them make plans and decisions. Not that mom is going into hospice or anything like that. But I think for both of them knowing the end is most likely within a couple years at best is really hitting them and thus it hits me. This Dr also laid it out that if mom had one of these breathing episodes at home, it could be the end. That being said, she would need 24 hour supervision.

So I had stopped seeing the shrink, had been feeling better. But that is all gone now. So I have pulled the phone number out and will call today to see when I can get in to talk to her. I am not sure if it will make any difference. I mean, moms condition isn't changing.

I just try to remember all the progress she made and hope that dads dnr plan doesn't have to go into action. I also try to remember how lucky I am. When I hear about stories of how young some people are when they die, or even my friends who have lost their parents, I try to remember that I have been lucky to have mom this long. It doesn't stop the pain, but it does make me feel not alone so much.

TGIF!!!!

Thank god its Friday! What a long week its been. Nothing dramatic happened, but I feel like life has been sucked out of me! This will be the first weekend in a long time we will be home and not at the hospital without having plans. My goal is to have a "normal" weekend. Doing stuff I used to do, prior to 5 months ago, on the weekends. You know, clean, relax, do errands...stuff like that. I even came up with a to do list since there is so much to do!

Mom is making steps forward. It has been about 3 steps forward, 1 step back for the last 3 weeks. She can now get out of bed, use the bathroom, stuff like that. Still in the hospital though. Not physically ready to go to rehab. They have certain things she needs to be able to do physically that she can't from being kept in bed for 8 weeks. So she has to rebuild to them. The Dr is hoping in the next few weeks though she will get to rehab. Although it will most likely be the rehab right by the hospital vs the one close to home. They just want to be safe because she has need some extra dialysis sessions due to being in bed so much. And if that happened on the weekend, they would end up taking her to the hospital anyways...2 hours away...so might as well keep her near there until she gets out of that pickle.

Last night I purchased a bunch of wine for when my friend comes over to visit next week...I have a feeling though that it will all be gone by then.

My goal this weekend: Relax!

Status Update

Mom has finally started making progress. Her bedsore is healed, and they are working on building her strength back in order to get her ready to go to rehab. She is sitting up in a chair for over an hour at a crack. She has to get to 3 hours so she can do Dialysis. Once there, they will send her to rehab where she will have to relearn to walk again. I have been in regular contact with her Dr and discussing her medical condition. She has shown signifigant improvement in that area as well, and we are working on adjusting her meds, specifically the ones that play with her head. For the first time in such a long time this weekend I got to really talk to my mom. She carried on full conversations. What a relief.

On the home front though my husband admited to me that he feels left behind. That I am not making him a priority right now and he misses that. I am having difficulty juggling making everyone happy. Mom and Dad want me at the hospital (4 hours from our house) every weekend. My husband wants me home. I can't please everyone. In some ways I feel like he is being selfish...this hasn't been years...its only been 5 months. But yet I understand...if I lost him for 5 months I would be going insane. I just don't know how to make everyone happy. But in the same token, everyone keeps telling me, do whats right for you...make yourself happy. I don't even know what makes me happy though...is it going up there? Is it staying home? I just don't know. Seeing the shrink isn't helping me either. She helped me figure out a few things, like why I was so angry at my mother for so many years...but now that we are trying to work on "me" I don't feel she is helping, so I will probably stop going to see her. I just wish there was a magic answer...but there isn't. Please just give me strength to get through it, that is all I ask.